it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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