He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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