The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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