So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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