I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Randomize
