Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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