Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
