dude i'm inner monologue high
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
