Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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