i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
