i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize