I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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