Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
