I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
