its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
