my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
