i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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