the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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