Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize