Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
They took my balls.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
