I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize