He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
