i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My bed smells like the plague
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
