do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
