you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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