it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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