I hate your face
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
