Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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