I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
