He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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