waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Who died my cat blue again?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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