i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
