it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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