What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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