i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
