yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We need a shit load of segways right now
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
