Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
