Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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