i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
