Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
