You work out of a Hotel?
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
