remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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