3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
