i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
