shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
