Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
