if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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