can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize