I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
