There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
