I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
