You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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