i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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