After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize