how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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