The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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