Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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