i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
