o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
